Small and misguided step of faith

Last night I registered for the KC Marathon, to be held at Crowne Centre (you'd spell it that way if you were British) on Sunday, October 16. This is a big deal, and not such a big deal at the same time for two reasons.


1) I have not registered for and run in a half marathon in 2 years. I happened upon the Lincoln half this past spring and ended up running part of the full as well (16 miles total, I don't think I could have done past 20). I built up pretty good endurance during my Lincoln hiatus this past spring (running 10 miles on "long days"), but since moving to KC my ability to run has gone downhill pretty fast (downhill now being the the only way that I move quickly). I've blamed the hills, the humidity, and orienting to a new place, but I'm starting to wonder if something is just wrong with me. I couldn't even finish today's 5-mile without a walk break. Yes, it was over 85 degrees at 8 in the morning. Yes, the heat index is going to be over 100 today. Yes, there were hills and the air was thick with humidity. No, I didn't sleep all that well last night, but still. That's not even a quarter of a marathon. Lame.

And yet I have paid $50 to participate in a 13-mile race in 10 weeks. I suppose 10 weeks is a pretty decent chunk of time. It better be or I'm going to shame myself walking around downtown KC as people 10 years younger and older than me pass by.

2) October 16 is the furthest into the future I've ever pictured myself in Kansas City. As of now I will have no home, no job, no money and no plans in October. Part of me still thinks I'll be overseas teaching English or working in a hostel. In the grand scheme $50 is not a lot of money, but registering for a marathon is a commitment to be in Kansas City in 10 weeks. I'm still not sure what I think about that. Registering implies that I'll be here. I'll belong to a gym (or having a few really great running routes). I'll have moved to an apartment. I'll have a job (maybe). I'm at least saying that I intend to look for all of those things. I didn't know I was ready for that. Then again, the discounted deadline is today, so maybe I was pushed.

I've had a lot of conversations with a local friend about how I feel about being in KC right now. I've been here over a month, sort of. I spent week two at Youth Front Camp with my middle school students. Week four was spent in Colorado at Lutheran Valley Retreat with some high school students. Those 12 days aside I've been in Kansas Ctiy. This last time though, when I got back to the house it didn't feel like "home" at all, which is weird. When I moved to Orange City, to Oxford, to Derby it took going away for those places to become "home." I need to "clean my home" and then "come home" to really feel at home. But this time around things are different. I've cleaned. I've left. I've returned. I've even housed company over night, but I still don't feel like this is "home." It's just a place, like any other place I've visited. I feel no compulsion to stay, no regrets if I were to leave.

And despite all of that I am deciding to stay here. I am forcing myself to try stabilizing for 9 months. To find a church family. To make friends. To find a job. To get an apartment. To pay rent. All of the stuff that constitutes as "normalcy." Not because it suits me, but because it doesn't. I am not normal. I am not stable. I do not even resemble something stable.

I want to leave KC for the same reason there are six windows open on the computer screen in front of me, five books stacked up beside my bed (which I'm "currently reading"), four letters waiting to be finished in my sling bag and a trail of post-it notes and to-to lists that have never been completed. I want to do everything and be everywhere at the same time. I don't want to miss out on anything. And so I start lots and lots of things that I never finish. I start down a lot of roads, then back up and start another road. When there's a fork in the road it drives me crazy because I want to go both ways at the same time (true story, I stand at the fork all the time). It's not wonder I have no sense of direction.

But here I am anticipating the fork and making my choice ahead of time. Kansas City, I have decided, is where I will remain. Jacob's Well, I have decided, is where I will go to church on Sundays (even if spending time with Ellen's friends sometimes leaves me feeling like the girlfriend who doesn't really know what's going on but smiles and tries to make conversation anyway because these are the friends of someone I care about so I want them to like me too). I don't yet know where I'll live or how I'll afford to live there, but I am a very capable waitress and there are a lot of important people who need administrative assistants (cringe). So be it.

Now I really ought to finalize one of the 8 drafts of my resume and get a cover letter put together. Oh, and shut this computer window, before I decide to draft another post.