An Old Foe

3:00 this morning I was lying in bed fitfully scratching the mosquito bites on my left calf with the toenails of my right foot, wishing I would fall asleep. The day had been...long. I was tired of planning VBS, trying to coordinate four different leaders manuals, desperately attempting to solicit volunteers, planning symbolic snacks and tracking down cheap craft supplies (and getting lost in the process). I was tired of thinking about the future, being asked about my plans, and not having answers - for myself or anyone else. I was tired of starting a dozen little projects, opening five different word documents and eight Internet Explorer windows and not still not managing to accomplish or finish anything. I was tired of dealing with my car - its flat tire, lack of air conditioning, broken tail light and faulty indicator. In short, I was tired.
The hundred trains of thought simultaneously running through my head had nearly all been derailed and were on their way to causing serious damage.
My one solace throughout the day was the sleep I would get when I returned home. No amount of insightful journalling, delicious ice cream, cheap entertainment or social interaction could substitute for the restorative powers of sweet, sweet sleep. I changed into my pajamas, closed my computer windows, turned on the fan and got into bed. I read a few chapters in Eat, Pray, Love (hoping the author's tales of far off places would lure me into dreams of distant travel) and switched off the lamp.
I closed my eyes and waited, but sleep did not come. I drank some water, readjusted my pillow and waited some more. I tried clearing my mind, envisioning a big field of daisies and a blue sky with white puffy clouds (which has been my "peaceful setting" default since I was 10 years old). But even in a bed of lush green grass I couldn't relax.
I started inventing stories in my head, hoping they would turn into dreams, which would mean that lying in bed with my eyes shut had turned into sleeping, but it didn't - not initially and not for the next hour or two.
I attempted to come up with plausible reasons for still being awake hours after getting into bed. The warmth of the room, the irregular rhythms of the oscillating fan, the light from the screen of my cell phone, the heavy seems in my cami, the rustle of the plastic Target sack in the corner. I tried to solve these issues, but that did little more than frustrate me further. It seems backwards to put so much effort into being still.
Around 3:00 (less than four hours before my alarm was to go off) I gave up and went downstairs for a glass of milk and some animal crackers. I stood in the kitchen wanting to blame my sleeplessness on my caffeine intake, knowing the underlying issues were more complicated.
My last semester of college I experienced the loss of a dear and precious gift - sleep. It began sometime in January and didn't really resolve until after graduation, by which time I'd begun taking medication. I can't pinpoint exactly what caused the whole ordeal, but it had something to do with the overwhelming anxiety of an uncertain future. There were too many possibilities and not nearly enough direction. A number of people would have helped me if they could (and believe me many did try), but no one else was able to make up my mind.
Now again I find myself frozen in fear of the unformed path in front of me. I know I need a job, but I don't know how to get one. I don't know where to go or what to do, and my lack of ability to make any kind of decision only makes matters worse. I don't know what I'm looking for, and therefore don't know how to find it. I don't know who to contact. I don't know how to contact. I don't know what I'm capable of or qualified for. I look at the rough draft of my resume and think, "Really? Is that all you've got?"
I feel defeated before I've begun the fight. But does finding a job and forming a future really require fighting? I don't think it should. To be honest, I think I'm more afraid of not finding myself than I am of not finding a job. It's as though my next place of employment is going to dictate who I am, particularly in light of the fact that I don't have a good answer to that question as it is. For the time being I am someone anxious to the point of sleeplessness, and no good can come of that.