Friday, March 30, 2012

A place to write - and vent

I am remiss to confess that I have neglected, abandoned, and forgotten this blog like one-too-many New Year's resolutions. In fact, I probably had a New Year's resolution to blog more often. Then again, I also thought I'd give up alcohol at the beginning of the year. Based on the fact that my sister and I shared a bottle of wine on January 3rd, the future of this blog looked grim from the start. But now I return, like a dog to its vomit (2nd Peter 2:22) or a squirrel to a forgotten stash of acorns, hoping to reactivate a blog that has for so long laid dormant.

This is my excuse:

Not long after starting work at St. Stephen Lutheran Church, I was introduced to The Voice, a weekly newsletter in which I was allowed to make announcements, solicit volunteers, advertise events, and (most importantly) write articles. The promise of a regular (though small and somewhat eccentric) weekly audience was enticing and empowering. In the 72 weeks that I have worked at St. Stephen I have probably written over 60 articles on topics ranging from the preschool Christmas program to my relationship with the late Cody Kuehn (our beloved family shelty) to my most recent series on the ground-breaking and new sanctuary. Most of these articles were written in two hours on a Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning (noon on Wednesday is the weekly deadline), and for some reason I thought that was adequate for my weekly writing praxis. Please accept my apologies for such a terrible judgement call. 

In the beginning I posted sundry Voice articles to this blog, which I told myself was beneficial and resourceful, but was actually just a lazy cop out for writing. All of that is about to change, however. And under circumstances that are just a little less than ideal. 

Let me explain:

Prior to about a week ago I was given free reign to choose the themes and topics of my weekly Voice articles. On weeks when youth ministry lacked its usual luster, my Voice articles became the one part of my job I knew I did well (or thought I did well at any rate). By the estimations of most of the members of the small Lutheran congregation, I'm a pretty good writer, and at times that has been the most validating part of my weekly work. I didn't often plan on my topics ahead of time. I just looked for themes, ideas, or things that struck me as interesting, moving, or peculiar. I began to consider my Voice articles as sort of like blog posts in print. That was a mistake. 

Following an annual review at which the director of the youth board tersely and unexpectedly shared with me some of the many areas in which I needed to improve, I was looking for a way to establish better rapport with the congregation. I reflected on the fact that not many of them knew me very well and had little idea of how I ended up in the youth position at St. Stephen. That tale, as you know if you have read this blog in the past, is no short story. But I decided to share it through a series of articles, sandwiched between one on the power of claiming our own stories and another on the importance of sharing them. 

I was more satisfied with these articles than most, and tickled by the number of people who e-mailed, facebooked, or approached me to say how much they had enjoyed reading them. Seldom have I been more pleased with a response to my writing. And seldom have I been more disappointed or hurt than when I received an e-mail from the youth board director asking why I felt it was necessary to spend three weeks focusing on myself and filling my pages with stories that were "Amanda-centered" rather than "Christ-centered." I sort of wanted to cry, but mostly I was just angry. I probably should have waited to e-mail her back and spared myself from needing to make yet another apology. 

Future Voice articles will not be published without the approval of the youth board director, which means that I need to find another place where I can freely share my thoughts and speak what I believe to be truth as I come realize it. More than any sense of duty or obligation to my readers, that is the reason why I am returning to this blog. That, and the fact that I just wrote a really bitter poem about censorship that I'm compelled to send into cyberspace. 

I might wait until I've left my job before making such a move. In the meantime, look for updates to come.

2 comments:

  1. So your blog is... vomit? Gross. Also dogs have apparently liked their vomit since biblical times?

    I'm sorry you've been sent back to your blog in that manner. I am happy that you'll be blogging though!

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  2. I knew this story already (we even discussed it over at least a dozen time zones), but still reading it again I have to say:

    :-(

    It saddens me that everyone doesn't see that the story of Christ is happening in each of our lives. Why else did Paul spend practically half of his writings talking about himself? All that to say I'd expect you to be discouraged about this for some time, but when the mourning of your loss passes I hope you'll be somewhat encouraged that you're writing again.

    PS. I will never forget what 2nd Peter 2:22 is ever again. I think you could make a killing in memory verse techniques.

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